Post Five. 

Lust – “sometimes confused with love,          purely physical attraction and has no lasting effect”

So sweet and innocent. Long brown hair, gleaming brown eyes, so very quiet. That was until i got to know the real you. 

It took one night stuck inside work because the M25 was tailing back for hours, and we couldn’t leave our building because of the traffic. I spoke to you for a couple of hours, and that’s where it all started..

Would I go back in time, and not talk to you? 

Yes

Would I go back in time and not message you on twitter to see if you was home safe?

Yes

I was just being nice, friendly. That’s who I am, you were sitting in your office alone away from everybody else. I came to say Hi, to see how you was. I don’t like seeing people alone, so I came in so you had company.

But you knew from day one, you knew what you was doing from the very start. 

The way we had looked at eachother every single day after that, was lust. We wanted eachother, touch and feel eachother. I wanted your lips pressed up against mine, you wanted to feel my body, my fingertips caressing your back. We had that strong attraction, the tension that was building was unbearable, but I was falling in love with you, months went by, you were falling for me.

But how could you fall for me when you had a boyfriend? Surely your attention should of had been on him? Wasn’t he giving you what you needed? Is that why your attention was on me? Did you see something inside of me that you could use me to your advantage? But still go home to your boyfriend and live that separate life?  Yes you did, and you manipulated me, to believe that. 

Lust.

Our first time, first time having sex. You’ve never had sex with anybody else other than your long term boyfriend, and I hadn’t had sex in a long time, One word. Amazing. I hadn’t had sex like that before, it was out of this world, but was that the feeling of getting caught? Because of course you still had your long term partner? Maybe..

But that didn’t go through your head, I remember your exact words, as I slid deep inside you..you looked at me dead in the eye and said “this isn’t the last time we are going to do this” 

You were right, from that very day. The Physical attraction we had for eachother and the tension building up was off the scale. We’d have sex about 4 days a week and every time about 3-6 times for 9 months, Now you count that up in 9 months with somebody who isn’t your love. 

You can never have sex with the same person and not encounter feelings, it’s impossible, and that was our down fall, we let that happen, we fell in love. Lust was no more the centre of this. 

Before we would fuck.we would go hard and fast. After time, we’d make love..now it was slow, deep, hot and steamy, skin on skin..that’s not what you call lust. In my eyes anyway. But maybe I was wrong? 

Don’t get me wrong, I was loving the on tap sex and love making. But deep down it was killing me inside because I loved you, I wanted you not just for sex,I could of lived with out that,  but for just you, you were a beautiful, funny and caring soul. But you couldn’t give me what I wanted because you had loose ties still, with the person who couldn’t give you what you wanted when we first met. Your boyfriend. 

I started to learn very late on, what was happening here. I was being manipulated, abused, and used.

I’m a man, and I am admitting that you abused me,  I was blinded by love. I took all the shit you gave me, all the swearing at me, and dropping me with a click of the fingers. All the broken promises, and all of the times I’d learn that when you told me you was in bed, that your actually in your ex’s bed after you’ve already split up 3 months prior. I’d still come running back because I loved you, even after all of that. You were treating me how your  ex treated you, you wore me down, you made me think it was all my fault, I used to apologise for no reason at all? All for what started as Lust? That quickly turned into love? 

I’m not sure what it was, 

Love? Lust? 

But all I know, is I’ve learned from you. I thank you a little for making me realise a few things about myself, but I really don’t like you for all what you done to me..all I wanted to do was make you happy, happiest girl alive. But you took advantage of me, see my weaknesses quickly and grabbed them, and used them against me. 

I’ll make somebody happy one day, but that will not be you, and you’ll regret that. And I hope it eats you inside. 

Reg

Post four.

Love is like a puzzle. Hard to piece together but Beautiful when all the right pieces are put together”

This is my open letter to you..

I miss your laugh

I miss your smile

I miss your eyes

I miss your presence 

I miss your cheek

I miss your little nose

I miss your affection

I miss your love

I miss you

I never realised how much I missed you until tonight, you sitting there in front of me in the little Indian restaurant we had been in.

I watched how you knocked back 2 vodka oranges because you looked as nervous, but happy at the same time as me. That after a year and a half of not saying 10 words to each other, we were back. Back laughing, smiling, talking, and what we used to do best. Bitching. 

The end of 2015 was probably the worst since we had been together, I completely destroyed your life, I turned it upside down. I left you. I ran. I drove into the night, and left you crying. You were probably thinking what you’d had done so wrong, that your fiancé walked out of your life without a proper explanation. 

The thought of someone doing that to their fiancé and two little girls turns my stomach, but who am I to judge? I was in them shoes. I did that. I left. You had to fend for yourself. Even though I still To this day carry on to see them little beautiful and I mean beautiful bundles of joy that we created, words cannot explain how deeply sorry I am for doing that. 

There wasn’t anybody else, I just couldn’t take the pressures, the problems, the worries, in my head I couldn’t look after you and our girls. I felt you deserved better than me, a stronger and a more efficient type of man. 

Since the day I left, on the outside I have been happy. But on the inside I have been a total mess, you were my foundation, my Sargent, my queen…my love. You kept me in line, with everything. 

I had a responsibility, and I flopped. 

I let your dad down, he trusted me to look after you, his precious daughter. Trusted me to take care, provide and honour you. I failed, and to this day..I can’t look at him in the eyes.

I want you back, but will you take me? After all I have done to you? Treated you over the past year like we never spent 6 wonderful years together? Had beautiful twin girls together? If I was you I’d tell me to jog on because I don’t have a chance in hell to deserve to be even in your thoughts. 

Over the past year I have learnt to love, and care for somebody as beautiful as you. Your such a delightful soul. I’ve learnt how to speak, my problems..my issues..we never did that before, that’s maybe why our relationship grew apart. 

We’d  never argue or fight. Is that healthy? I don’t know. We kept all the things that pissed us off about each other deep inside ourselves until one day, one of us exploded..ME. I did what I thought was best, oh god damn I was so bloody wrong about it. 

As I left you tonight, I asked you for a cuddle goodbye, you patted me on the back as you put one arm around me, and I told you not to pat me because I feel like your patronising me. But I was thinking about myself again, you no doubt were overwhelmed that I was asking for some sort of affection after a year and a half of me showing you the cold side of my soul. 

Moving forward, it’s not about me anymore because that’s just being shallow, and I’m not that. 

I need to think about what’s most important to me? 

You, our daughters.

Number one. 

You are the missing piece to my puzzle.

Reg.

xx

 

Post three.

“Having a Soulmate is not always about love, you can find your soulmate in friendship too”

713 ‘friends’ on Facebook, and how many of them would inbox me and ask me how I am. A very few.

As I grow older, as I am still a young cub being only 24, I know that all of your friends part ways to lead their own life, but it takes true and loyal friends not to see eachother for months on end or even speak to them and when you see them again it was like yesterday and nothing has changed, no awkwardness or anything. All laughs and banter.

I used to have a fair sized friendship group when I was a little younger than I am now, but now I have a circle of about 5 and they are true, loyal and the ones who actually do care, there’s some that I’ve known since I was 11 and there is some that I’ve known not even 2 years and they will become life long friends, sorry family not even friends because they are that important to me is class them as my blood.

People in this world think friends are the ones that you can call to go out and socialise but my friends I call them when I’m feeling low, having problems in my life and they don’t judge me and they go out of their way to coach me back to happiness and laughter.

I have this one friend, I have not even know her that long, and we met at work and I’m her boss, she is nearly 10 years older than me too, We never really spoke at first, just a “hi” and a “how are you” because that’s the way you have to be, professional, but we came together and she will be my friend forever. She has helped me, coached me, has been a shoulder to cry on when I’m at my lowest. My quote about a soulmate is true, because I’ve never told her this but I’m slowly starting to think she is my soulmate, in a friendship way. I can talk to her about absolutely anything I want to and she will not judge me one bit, she might laugh or cry but she always says to me “reg, it will be ok” and that’s what you want from a friend. Comfort, and reassurance that things are going to be fine, and that’s really nice. She has her own problems but she will brush them aside and actually listen to me, like her problems were never there. She could look at me in the eye and without even saying any words know something’s up just looking at me in the eye.

Once you have found a friend like that, your life will be soon complete. That sort of positivity and energy you get from somebody who your not physically or mentally attracted too you is one in a million. And I don’t believe in god or any religion, but I thank who ever brought us together even at the most random time of my life, but the most crucial time, I owe them my life, because you have changed it forever.

Finishing up, I don’t think I could get through life without my friends. Life would be unbearable with the pressures and perceptions how you should live your life. They make all of that better.

I love you all

Reg.

 

Post two.

Distance sometimes lets you know who’s worth keeping and who’s worth letting go” 

Lana Del Ray

Majority of the time I’m always distancing my self from the world and the people who care for me most. It’s the best way I feel to deal with Day to day things going on in my personal life, work life and life in general. It’s a time for me to gather my thoughts, analyse situations and see what I could of done differently in certain areas. But that’s not always the best thing to do, because so much anger and thoughts get built up in my little brain I have up here, it sometimes just wants to explode like when you put popcorn in the microwave and you can hear the kernels popping away, that’s how I can explain when my brain has too much pressure.

The one thing I have learnt from distancing myself from the outside world is that, it’s a path leading to loneliness, depression and anxiety. Just imagine, you’ve had a bad day at work, or your relationships on a thin line. Go home and block out everything around you and staring at four walls. Just overthinking and going over them thoughts over and over again, it starts to sink you into a deep hole, a hole that when you go deep enough there is no going back.

I have been there, but I am slowly starting to crawl back out, I have forced my self not to distance myself from anyone anymore, I have started to talk about my thoughts to friends and family, and that is a big weight off my shoulders once I have said what I have wanted to say to anybody that would listen for ages. It’s like a breath of fresh air. 

Even as I’m sitting here, in my grandmothers consevatory (she would kill me if she heard me calling her grandmother) just writing this on my phone is releasing so much negative thoughts out of my head, and feels like weight is lifting off my shoulders bit by bit. 

Distance is how far you have to drive, or how far you fly. I wouldn’t recommend to distancing yourself from nobody, it doesn’t do anybody including me any favours.

Reg.

Post one.


Sitting in my Nan’s conservatory this morning having my routine cup of Rosie Lee (tea) and my 3rd cigarette of the day even though I have only been up for 30 minutes, listening to Ed Sheeran blaring out from my phone, I sat and thought how I could let all my thoughts and feelings out (not all negative) without getting Pre judged and thought bad of the perception of how a person should act and live.
My name is Reg Willis, I am a 24 year old man, that has grown up in east London but now living in Essex, normal bloke just trying to get by and grinding (working hard)to get a piece of that cake.

Please read my posts with caution because they will get deep, controversial and hope some people can relate to me, I’d like to share my experiences with you.